I am experiencing a new phase in my life that I
suspect is related to the aging process.
Most probably, it should be termed a life review. Periodically, I find
myself reexamining various events in my past with the mindset of an impartial
observer.
Most often, it takes place when I awaken around 5:00 a.m.
or so for my attendance to nature’s call.
When I return to bed, I find it difficult to turn off my monkey
brain. So, I lie and think about
everything under the sun. Frequently,
this includes various events in my past.
During the day, anything can trigger this line of
thinking. It may be a particular object
that I encounter, an activity in which I am engaged or just some downtime when
I am not distracted by something else. It would be delightful if I were dwelling
on a review of my triumphs and accomplishments.
Usually, however, I begin thinking about the mistakes I have made,
situations I have mishandled or people I have known.
I am somewhat amused by the lack of knowledge that
often contributed to my blunders. At the
time, I was unaware of how little I knew about what I was attempting to
do. This was particularly true of
building projects in which I was engaged.
The old axiom is absolutely true: a little knowledge is a dangerous
thing.
Today, the internet is a wonderful source of
information to fill the gap.
Instructional videos are available on a wide range of topics. The only requirement for a higher level of
success is a little humility. This
doesn’t even require a public admission of ignorance. It is possible to sit in the privacy of one’s
home and learn how to do it right the first time.
I am sorry that this resource was not available to me
years ago. My hope is that I never
created a situation that resulted in any major damage to any of the structures
I built. As I reflect on previous
projects, I am aware of many of the things I did wrong and how I could have
done better, but we are not afforded the luxury of returning in time to redo
our mistakes.
Occasionally, I talk to people who have maintained friendships
for many years. I am astonished when I
learn of those who still are in contact with friends from elementary
school. My wife attended a boarding
school throughout high school and still maintains close relationships with many
of her classmates.
I have only had one long term friendship that lasted
more than forty years. Sadly, Dave died
from his bout with cancer a couple of years ago. It was just by accident that
we both wound up living in the same area in Florida. Had that not taken place, I don’t know that
we would have reconnected after living in separate regions of the country for
many years.
I enjoy being around people, but I am also quite comfortable
with solitude. My friendships tend to be
situational and last as long as the immediate association does. When I move or engage in a different
activity, I tend to lose contact with former acquaintances. This might be different if my lack of vision
didn’t prevent me from accessing social media like others do.
When I think back on friends, coworkers and
acquaintances from years ago, I frequently issue a hope to the universe on
their behalf that their life has been peaceful and full of joy. With many, it
would be nice to catch up on how life has been, but I don’t have a burning
desire to track anybody down. In all honesty, there are a few that I would be
happy not to encounter.
Socrates has been quoted as having said, “an
unexamined life is not worth living.” I
suppose he intended that the examination would be an ongoing process. I fully embrace this approach to life and
have tended to be introspective for the majority of my adulthood.
What I am experiencing now seems to be something other
than considering a course change. I
don’t have a ‘bucket list’ or anticipate pursuing any great ventures. At 71, I
feel like I am winding down and preparing for the final stretch of my
journey. The focus of my reflections is
not how I should proceed but whether or not my life has been worthwhile.
It is challenging to be objective. I think we all tend to be the heroes or
martyrs of our own stories, especially in our younger years. Like Joan of Arc, we are either riding in on
our white charger to save the day or being horribly misunderstood and unfairly
condemned to burn at the stake. Self-evaluation
can be just as misguided. We can revel
in our presumed triumphs or be overly critical and beat ourselves up.
Generally, I think I have done all right. I have a strong belief that a positive future
for humanity depends on our collective recognition of our interconnection and
interdependence. Consequently, I have
tried to live with this perspective in mind, promoting harmony and peace among
those I encounter and seeking to give more than I have taken.
I suspect that I am not alone in this end time review. It might make for an interesting topic for a gathering of seniors and even be beneficial for younger adults who might like to have a glimpse of what their futures hold in store for them.