What Ever Happened To Kindness?

Galatians 5:22-23 (New International Version)

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 

23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

I may just be getting old and my memory is becoming a little foggy.  That can tend to happen as we age.  Our recollection of the past can seem a little rosier than it actually was.  That being said, it seems to me that kindness was more evident among members of the community, not just in church.

I will say that after moving to West Virginia a couple of years ago, I have been impressed with the general cordiality exhibited pretty much everywhere I go. People actually remember how to speak pleasantly and say please and thank you.  They hold doors open for one another and are usually rather courteous.

However, something seems to happen when folks get onto their devices or gain access to the airways.  It is almost like the anonymity of not being face to face is perceived as a license to vent a wealth of pent up hostility.  Those who exhibit this tendency would do themselves and everybody else a huge favor if they envisioned a classroom of sweet children listening to or reading their comments.

I don’t understand why so many are so angry.  We live in a nation that is unfathomably blessed.  Perhaps we need to take a little time each day to count our personal blessings, acknowledge that we are not perfect and stop demanding that everyone affirm our opinions.   Apparently, we have forgotten that one way to maintain positive relationships is simply to agree to disagree and still remain friendly and kind.

I may think that someone’s opinion or belief is absolutely bizarre, but I don’t feel compelled to harass them until they recognize and admit it and declare me a genius for pointing it out and delivering them from their evil pathway.  I am totally open to respectful discussion of opposing points of view.  Unfortunately, many of us are so anchored in our opinions that we are not willing to consider alternative ways of thinking.  So, perhaps we should  try to  keep in mind the admonition of Decimus Junius Juvenalis:  "Opinions are like nails: the stronger you hit them, the deeper inside they go."  Let's just keep those nails lubricated with a little love and kindness.  Perhaps they will work their way out on their own.

 

Racial Maturity

I raised 3 sons.  During that time, a fourth child apparently lived in our home that I never was able to find.  He was credited with responsibility for doing all sorts of things.  Judging from his name, he must have been foreign born.  It was Not Me.

When I would ask, “Who made this mess?”  I was told it was Not Me.  “Who left the peanut butter out on the counter?"  Not Me.  “Who left the gate open and let the dog out?”  “Not Me.”  I never could find that little guy, but he was certainly active in our home.

As my sons have grown into adulthood, they have learned one critical aspect of true maturity, accepting responsibility for their actions.  We are always ready to claim the credit for positive outcomes, but only strong, confident individuals are willing to acknowledge their mistakes and failures.  This is not only true of individuals; it is true of nations as well.  We find this in the Tao Te Ching, written about 2,500 years ago by Lao Tzu.

61

When a country obtains great power, it becomes like the sea: 
all streams run downward into it. 
The more powerful it grows, the greater the need for humility. 
Humility means trusting the Tao, 
thus never needing to be defensive.

A great nation is like a great man: 
When he makes a mistake, he realizes it. 
Having realized it, he admits it. 
Having admitted it, he corrects it. 
He considers those who point out his faults
as his most benevolent teachers. 
He thinks of his enemy as the shadow that he himself casts.

If a nation is centered in the Tao, if it nourishes its own people and doesn't meddle in the affairs of others, 
it will be a light to all nations in the world. 

As a nation, we would like to think that we are indeed a light to all nations.  At times we may have been, but our history is full of dark periods. Without question, our greatest flaw has been the subjection and suppression of non-white populations.

Consider our history:  we began by forcing Native Americans off their lands and attempting to exterminate them as they resisted.  Simultaneously, we imported Africans as slaves and accumulated wealth for whites by exploiting the labors of the enslaved.  The majority of monuments honoring prominent confederates were erected during the Jim Crow era between the 1890’s and 1950’s as tangible signs of intimidation. Often, the lynchings of black men were attended by thousands in a festive atmosphere as a form of entertainment.  Access to employment, housing, education, public accommodation, and so much more were withheld or severely limited for blacks and other minorities. 

Our track record is so stained and well-documented that it is impossible to deny. Instead, we now live at a time when people simply don’t want to talk about it or allow flagrant abuses to be taught in our schools.  Why?  I have pondered this for some time and think I know the answer. 

Harvard has developed an online exam known as the implicit Association Test (IAT).  It quantifies the bias level of test takers related to specific target groups such as gender, race, sexual orientation, body weight, and others.  Consciously attempting to attain a less prejudicial score only impacts the results minimally.  The most effective positive influence on the outcome is to read favorable stories about the subject groups prior to taking the exam.

What does this tell us?  Being open to positive challenges to our preconceptions reduces our prejudices.  Conversely, if we are invested in clinging to our cherished stereotypes and derogatory attitudes, we must avoid any information that does not validate our current beliefs about those we view as inferior to ourselves.  It appears that the current aversion to honestly reflecting on our nation’s bleak racial history is simply a desperate  effort to cling to completely indefensible prejudices.

Furthermore, the effort to prevent the teaching of our nation’s racist culpability and the resilience of the black and other minority communities is intended to promote social ignorance that can perpetuate longstanding prejudices.  Apparently, some do not want to trust our children with the truth regarding this critical issue.  This reflects the same strategy that has been employed by every tyrannical regime:  rewrite history and control the hearts and minds of the children.

What many fail to understand is that criticism of our past is not an attack against the nation.  Instead, it is a call to transform our culture and strive towards a mutually supportive society.  Pretending that we are a great nation is no substitute for actually becoming one through honest and courageous self examination.

If our nation ever hopes to achieve true racial maturity, we will need to exercise a deep sense of national humility and  implement the steps presented in the Tao Te Ching, recognize, admit and correct our tragic racial misdeeds.  To date, civil rights legislation has been enacted despite strong opposition.  We will arrive at true maturity only when we can collectively and enthusiastically celebrate the advancement of those who have been systematically disenfranchised.  

Germany has a great deal to teach us about national humility.  Do you suppose that there are monuments honoring Hitler?  Are schools or streets named after Nazi leaders or generals?  No, because they have fully acknowledged their national shame over their actions during WWII.  The only monuments are to the victims of the holocaust.  Furthermore, it is illegal to display the swastika  

Contrast this to the United States where rebel flags are ubiquitous.  Schools, streets, counties and even military bases have borne the names of confederate politicians and members of the military.  Confederate monuments are gradually being removed from prominent places, but the process has generated harsh opposition.  Sadly, the ‘Southern cause’ has been so romanticized that it defies the thorough denunciation it deserves. 

They say that it is always darkest before the dawn.  Perhaps our current social climate will dissipate and a new age of racial enlightenment will be revealed.  Given the rapidly changing demographics of our country, and the fact that the white race will eventually cease to be the majority, this will occur sooner or later.  I sincerely regret that I will not live long enough to see it happen.

For those who may be willing to expand their awareness of the grueling path we have trodden, I would encourage reading the following.  They are a minute sample of the available record but offer ample illustrations of some of the barriers that have been laid down before the African American citizens of our nation, and why their triumphs should be celebrated.

Sarah’s Long Walk: the Free Blacks of Boston and How Their Struggle For Equality Changed America, by Stephen Kendrick

Spell Freedom: The Underground Schools that Built the Civil Rights Movement, by Elaine S. Weiss

Caste: The Origins Of Our Discontents, by Isabel Wilkerson

 

Step By Step

Perhaps I am a little old fashioned, but I don’t think anything can compare with the beauty and charm of a brick home.  Its durability and low maintenance are additional attributes that make it very appealing.  For me, it also stands as a testimony to what an accumulation of small  steps can accomplish.

Years ago I worked as a laborer for block layers.  We were building 3-story condos on the bank of a creek in Annapolis Maryland.  I have no idea how many blocks I handled during that project, but the principle is the same as a brick facade on a home.  You can’t really think about the massive amount of work involved.  You just put each item in place one at a time, and eventually the job is done.

So much of life is this way.  We complete a formal education  one class at a time.  Savings accounts are built up a few dollars at a time deposited on a regular basis.  Long careers are achieved one day at a time.  We raise healthy and well balanced children by providing them with consistent love, guidance and nurturing day by day.

It would be nice if all of the things we want in life could be obtained quickly.  Unfortunately, it often requires unexciting regular diligence over long periods in order to accomplish meaningful goals.  We tend to marvel at outstanding athletic performances or the skills demonstrated by entertainers.What we fail to consider are the endless unobserved hours of practice  required to reach that level of excellence.

The sun is fueled by innumerable tons of hydrogen atoms.  Our bodies are comprised of trillions of cells working in harmony to form a single organism.  Individually none of these contributory elements  are particularly significant, but together they produce amazing results. 

Our challenge is to learn to appreciate the value of each installment we make in our future. Our daily exercise may not be particularly exciting, but living a long active and productive life will certainly make the effort worthwhile.  Sure, staying in bed and sleeping or lying on the sofa watching TV might be more enjoyable in the short-term, but we can’t go back in time and redo our lives when we find ourselves incapacitated by poor health. 

Making healthy choices is only one example of this principle.  We need to take time to envision the future we wish to have in the next one, five, ten or twenty years.  Then it is essential to determine what little consistent steps need to be taken in order to manifest that goal.  Above all, we cannot afford to wait until we ‘get around to it’.  We must pick a day, start  doing it and stick with it until we are successful.  As stated in the Tao Te Ching, “The journey of a thousand miles begins beneath your feet.”  So, start walking.  

Where Did The Time Go?

One of the most memorable  times I really was struck by how fast life was moving along was in the fall of 1989.  My oldest son was getting ready to start high school.  Even though I had graduated from high school 21 years before, it seemed like it had just happened a few years previously.  It was only a momentary awareness, but it definitely drew my attention to the passage of time..

The 1st century Stoic philosopher, politician and playwright, Seneca, addressed this issue in an essay known as On the Shortness of Life.  One of his most famous quotes comes from this essay, “It is not that we have a short time to live, but that we waste a lot of it.”  He thoroughly expounds on the point that we tend to pay a great deal of attention to how we spend our money and protect our belongings but regularly waste our most valuable possession, time. 

In our current age I suspect that the greatest consumers of our time are our electronic devices.  If we were brave enough to track our screen time, we would probably be shocked by the amount of time that we spend staring at our displays while important daily activities are neglected. How often do we claim that we didn’t have time to accomplish everything on our agenda when the truth is that we were endlessly distracted by a series of news items, social media posts or prolonged texting with family or friends.

How often do  we allow others to squander our time.  I generally try to be kind and courteous towards others.  However, I have reached my limit with telemarketers. Now, when they ask, “How are you today?”, I simply ask who they are and what do they want.  I’m getting older and don’t know how much longer I’ll be around.  So I choose not to waste time explaining why I am not interested in whatever it is they are selling.

I have been accused of being a workaholic, and there may be some truth to that.  Mostly, I have always felt a need to be productive.  That is not to say that I don’t relax occasionally, but I typically try to accomplish those things that are needful on a daily basis.

Years ago I came across a little book in a Christian book store.  By its title I suspect that it was purchased for sale because it was assumed it dealt with salvation issues.  However,If You Don’t Know Where You are going You will Probably Wind Up Somewhere Else provided career planning advice for young people.  The title, nevertheless, offers sound advice for every aspect of our lives.  We need to take time to clearly identify what we would like to achieve and spend our time effectively pursuing those goals.

I genuinely feel sorry for the millions of people who will reach the end of their lives knowing that things could have been so much better if they had simply been focussed and not squandered their time in frivolous activities. Seneca seemed to have this in mind when he wrote, “So you must not think that a man has lived long because he has white hair and wrinkles.  He has not lived long, just existed long..  For what if you should think that that man had had a long voyage who had been caught by a fierce storm as soon as he left harbor, and, swept hither and thither by a succession of winds that raged from different quarters, had been driven in a circle around the same course? Not much voyaging did he have, but much tossing about.”  

If we were to go on a long roadtrip, we would begin with a full tank of gas in the car.  Initially, there would be little thought about how much fuel was being consumed because there was plenty in the tank.  Side trips would be no concern until we reached a point where we realized the gage was nearing empty, and there was no gas station available to refill.  Then, our destination would become a major concern. 

Perhaps we should consider the fact that none of us has any guarantee of long life.  A helpful habit would be nightly reflections on what we have accomplished that day.  It would not be healthy for us to obsess over living productively, but regular circumspection certainly would be beneficial.

When I was about 30 years old, I wrote a son~~g entitled Leaf On A River.  Clearly I was already reflecting on how easily time can slip by without our conscious awareness.  The 3rd verse and chorus are as follows:

3

Life is like a leaf on a river.

Seems like it will go on forever.

But, look away for a moment and it’s gone.

Past the rocks and around the bend.

Never to be lived again.

Into the sea forever, 

Your life is gone.

Chorus:

And that sea keeps on growing

As our lives keep on flowing bye and bye,

And all the while inside we’re knowing

That it won’t be long till we are out of time.

A final word from Seneca,

“It is not that we have a short time to live, but that we waste a lot of it. Life is long enough, and a sufficiently generous amount has been given to us for the highest achievements if it were all well invested. But when it is wasted in heedless luxury and spent on no good activity, we are forced at last by death’s final constraint to realize that it has passed away before we knew it was passing..”

 

Mutual Bliss

I find much of human behavior completely baffling.  It ranges from unimaginable cruelty to totally selfless altruism.  To me, the absolute indifference of perpetrators and/or observers to the pain and suffering experienced in the Roman colosseums, Nazi death camps, widespread lynchings of blacks attended by thousands of spectators in a festival atmosphere (yes, right here in the good ol’ USA), the systematic torture and execution of political prisoners under the Assad regime in Syria or the genocide previously taking place in Gaza, is completely incomprehensible.  

In total contrast to the carnage, we could enumerate the vast number of historical examples of self sacrifice by individuals seeking to pursue peace and bring comfort to those who are suffering.  However, we need not look any further than the vast number of NGO’s and individuals currently working tirelessly around the world to aid those in need.  World Central Kitchen and Doctors Without Borders are just two examples of organizations comprised of individuals who are willing to place themselves in the midst of danger in order to help their fellow human beings.

Of course, we could consider the current domination of mega global corporations that are heartlessly exploiting the disempowered in a mad obsession with accumulating wealth and power.  Food, housing, healthcare, pharmaceuticals, elder care, and other essentials are being monopolized in an effort to extract maximum revenues while providing marginally adequate services and goods.  If someone could discover how to control the availability of air, there is no doubt that  we would have to labor endlessly just to be allowed to breathe.

Not since the latter half of the nineteenth and early twentieth centuries has our government been so openly controlled by the wealthy.  Consequently, the tax structure and pertinent legislation heavily favor businesses while ignoring the impact on the general population. This is certainly nothing new.  A casual reflection on history reveals the timeless obsession with wealth accumulated by the heartless expenditure of human suffering and drudgery.

The occasional glimpses of egalitarian cooperation and harmony are both refreshing and far too rare.  In its simplest form, the answer seems to be whether or not we have a sense of connection with one another.  If we view others as an extension of ourselves, we are inclined to pursue interactions that are mutually beneficial.  The question is simply what is more important, people or things?

The other night I woke up with the following almost completely formed in my heart:

Mutual Bliss

I come 

Not to conquer or control

But to be 

One with you

Wholly present 

In the bonds of mutuality

Join me here

And we, together with others,

Will enter that bliss

That eludes those who walk alone 

Look At Me!

For years, I have claimed I was going to write a book entitled You Notice Me; Therefore I Am.  I suppose the idea could be stretched into a small book if  I wanted to chronicle examples in minute detail.  However, at this point in time, a blog post seems adequate.

I am continually amazed at the things people do in order to be noticed.  It appears that they are seeking attention in order to affirm their existence.  Those actions range from the mundane to the absurd.

Where did this tendency come from?  It appears to be an evolutionary phenomenon.  Many male birds display elaborate plumage or intricate rituals in order to attract a mate.  If you want a great source of entertainment, Google the mating dance of the sandhill crane.  Some bird species are not as artistic and simply build elaborate nests to lure a potential companion to them.

The males of many  species find ways to demonstrate their physical prowess.  The videos are innumerable depicting animals engaged in mortal combat with the intent to establish their right to reproduce.  Although violent, it assures the genetic survival of the fittest combatants.

We humans are not much different.  The aftermath of warfare has often included the widespread rape of unfortunate females in the immediate area no matter the age.  Think of medieval jousts.  Is there any doubt about the underlying sexual implications associated with the events? The women were attired in ways to attract the attention of the participants, and the men were competing in order to demonstrate their worthiness for generating offspring.  Today, this pageant is repeated annually on high school and collegian gridirons all over our nation every fall.

 

Humans are far more complicated than animals, so our desire for attention is not always sexual.  I once heard of a guy who shopped around until he could find a surgeon who was willing to implant threaded sockets into his skull.  Why would someone do this?  Apparently he had an assortment of horns, alien antennas and other weird protrusions that he wanted to be able to screw into his head. It was certainly a unique idea, but I can’t imagine any motivation to do so other than a desire to have people marvel. At how unusual he was.

Isn’t this the underlying reason for much that we do?  We work hard to earn money to pay for things that others will admire.  Our homes, cars, clothing, jewelry, shoes, tattoos, body piercings,  fancy fingernails and so much more are often selected with a thought to how others will react to our possessions and/or appearance.  We tend to be careful not to combine clashing colors or patterns for fear that we will be ridiculed and hope that our choices will generate the occasional ooo or ahhhh.

Gossip has played an important role in human development.  In hunter-gatherer groups it helped to identify thieves, the lazy, liars and those who were undependable.  It still plays a role in communicating pertinent information.  However, for some, it serves as a means of seeming important.  They can’t wait to obtain the latest bit of juicy gossip to share with everyone they know.  

How many of our actions are motivated by a desire to draw the attention of others?  We exaggerate or  boast about our abilities and/or accomplishments, engage in sexually provocative behaviors or participate in life threatening antics all with an eye towards a potential audience. With the advent of the internet, our attention-seeking efforts seem endless  because they can now be displayed before  the entire world.

With this awareness, I regularly question my motivation for things that I do and say.  I am at an age when I really don’t buy much.  So, I typically catch myself saying things in an effort to trigger a response.  I have been blessed with good genes and am fairly healthy and look  younger than my age.  When I tell people that I am 75 years old, sometimes I do so to merely convey information, but more often it is to hear them express unbelief at how good I look for my age.  I hate to admit it, but it is true.

 There is certainly nothing wrong with enjoying the admiration and attention of others.  However, it becomes a problem when it negatively impacts our lives or those around us..  Are we spending our money unwisely?  Do we impose ourselves on others or become resentful if we are not the center of attention?  Do we ridicule or slander others in order to make ourselves seem more important?  We simply need to be mindful of our behavior and avoid becoming toxic in our effort to be noticed.

I think the secret is working on our personal confidence.   The challenge is finding those activities that promote self affirmation.  This may include improving our physical wellbeing through exercise and diet.  We may need to spend time in prayer, meditation, reading inspirational material or listening to tranquil uplifting music.  If needed, we may find it helpful to seek professional mental health services.  In short, if we are ‘comfortable in our own skin’, then there is little need for the admiration of others. 

What Are You Thinking?

I suspect that it would be almost impossible to count all of the books that have been written about philosophy, self improvement, religion or success in life.  People have a deep desire to know the secret of reaching their highest potential financially, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, socially and every other aspect of their lives.  Undoubtedly, billions of dollars are spent annually in search of the holy grail.  

Well, breathe easy.  You can get the answer for less than $10.00.  It is a small book published in 1903 by James Allen entitled As a Man Thinketh.  The title is a reference to Proverbs 23:7, “As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.”

Normally I don’t include extensive quotes; however, in this post I don’t think I can add much to what Allen presents.  So, here is the essence of life.

“Man is made or unmade by himself.  In the armory of thought he forges the weapon by which he destroys himself.  He also fashions the tools with which he builds himself heavenly mansions of joy and strength and peace.  By the right choice of and true application of thought, man ascends to the divine perfection.  By the abuse and wrong application of thought, he descends below the level of the beast.  Between these two extremes are all the grades of character, and man is their maker and master.”

“A man’s mind may be likened to a garden which may be intelligently cultivated or allowed to run wild.  But, whether cultivated or neglected, it will bring forth.  If no useful seeds are put into it, then an abundance of weed seeds will fall  therein and will continue to produce their kind.  Just as a gardener cultivates his plot keeping it free from weeds and growing flowers and fruits he requires, so may a man attend the garden of his mind, weeding out all  the wrong, useless and impure thoughts  and cultivating toward perfection the flowers and fruits of right, useful and pure thoughts.  By pursuing this process, a man sooner or later discovers that he is the master gardener of his soul, the director of his life.  He also reveals within himself the laws of thought and understands with ever increasing accuracy how the  thought forces and mind elements operate in the shaping of his character, circumstances and destiny.”

Once again, we encounter the truth of that fundamental Socratic admonition, “An unexamined life is not worth living.”  What we read, watch, listen to, discuss or think about all contribute to the direction and quality of  our lifelong journey. In Change Your Brain, Change Your Life, author Daniel Amen, a research psychologist, expands on this principle and offers strategies for directing our internal dialogue.  What awaits us is the life-altering realization that we hold the key to much of our future in our ability to mindfully choose how we think and what we think about.