Victim or Victor?

A golfer once asked me if I knew what the greatest obstacle was on a golf course.  Not being a golfer myself, I admitted that I didn’t really know.  Smiling, he said, “It’s the six inches between the golfer’s ears.”

This is probably true about all sports.  Reaching a level of maximum performance certainly requires a great deal of training and practice.  Ultimately though, the internal dialogue determines the level of success.  Confidence, concentration, being able to relax into a state of complete mind-body synergy all influence the outcome.

Isn’t this true of most things in life?  What is going on in our thought life determines how well we handle the events we encounter.  How often do we witness the rich and famous crash and burn even though they seem to have all of the advantages one might hope for?  How often do we hear of individuals born into adverse situations who rise above their circumstances through determination and heroic effort?

Years ago, I became aware of a formula for life, E+R=O.  E represents the events in life over which we have no control.  They simply come our way, and we are faced with the dilemma of dealing with them. O represents the outcome we would like to see associated with the various events.  R is our response, the only aspect of this equation over which we have complete control.  So, our challenge is to develop a range of responses that can positively influence the outcomes we seek.

Below are a few websites that address this in more detail.

2 Minutes with TK #18: The E+R=O Mindset https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGXx86EtCvY

 

International Neural Science Consultants: Changing How You Work: Using the E+R=O Formula
https://www.intentionalcommunication.com/changing-how-you-work-using-the-ero-formula/

 

TOM BARLOW ONLINE E + R = O: An Equation For Life https://tombarlowonline.com/an-equation-for-life/

 

We need to be honest with ourselves.  Victory seldom comes easily.  It often requires long arduous hours of struggle to learn a subject, develop a skill, acquire necessary funds, lose the excess weight, address mental health conditions, obtain the required muscle strength or whatever else might be essential in order to achieve our goals. However, when we do achieve our objective, there is a deep sense of satisfaction and confidence in our ability to succeed.

In the 1990’s, I identified my lifelong mantra for dealing with life’s challenges on a teen sitcom entitled Boy Meets World. It featured Cory Matthews as the middle child in a Philadelphia family.   Frequently, his older brother, Eric, would pick on him in humorous ways.  In one particular episode, as Cory was whining about Eric’s agitations, Eric reached over, popped Corey on the back of his head and said, “Life’s tough. Get a helmet.” Well, I don’t think the mindset of a victorious life can be expressed any better than that.

The best example of this for me was Ken Davis, a young man I worked with many years ago.  Although Ken had cerebral palsy (CP), he was determined to live as normally as possible.  Using a wheelchair would have been much easier for him, but he chose to walk even though he did so with severely bent knees and his hands drawn up near his shoulders to aid in his balance.  He spoke with great difficulty which was hard to understand unless one was around him frequently. He drove a small truck equipped with hand controls, and friends of his in Pennsylvania would take him deer hunting in the fall.

Ken decided to pursue a degree in psychology.  He began at the local Community College where physical education was a required course.  Undoubtedly, he could have obtained an exemption from the course or taken a health course instead.  However, Ken chose to take an aerobics class.

He told me that the instructor began tailoring her course to accommodate his difficulties.  He said he went to her and asked her to merely teach the class as she normally would and   assured her that he would stand in the back of the class and fall down from time to time but would get up and do the best he could. I asked him why he had taken an aerobics class.  He laughed slyly and said, “I stand in the back of the class and the rest of the students are young women.” 

I lost contact with Ken after I moved on to a new job.  However, I have often thought of him over the years.  He was incredibly brave to place himself in public in a way that might subject him to awkward encounters and situations.  I am quite certain that those who have taken the time to get to know him have been equally impressed with his courage and determination.

I think I must be getting old and cranky.  It appears to me that people no longer have this kind of grit to face adversity with a positive determination to overcome their Challenges. Instead, whining seems to have become a favorite American pastime.  I guess it is simply easier to blame our situation or the actions or inactions of others for our lot in life. Too often people tend to resign themselves to the status of victim and live far below their true potential.

I’m not alone in this perspective.  Several years ago, Senator Ben Sasse wrote a book entitled The Vanishing American Adult.  His primary point was simply that we need to accept personal responsibility for our behavior and future.    We need to exercise self-discipline, sacrifice when necessary   and do what is required, not merely those things that appeal to us.

Life really can be tough.  Often, we may find ourselves buffeted about by adverse situations and events.  We really do need a helmet, a mindset that accepts this reality but does not easily yield to discouragement or failure.

What does it mean to be victorious?  That varies from one person to another.  To me, living a victorious life has nothing to do with acquiring material wealth or notoriety.  It is a matter of boldly accepting the hand that life has delt and playing it to the best of one’s ability without resentment or bitterness. This is poignantly conveyed an an ancient eastern proverb:

“When you were born, you cried, and everyone’s heart was filled with joy.  Live your life in such a way that when you die, your heart will be full of joy, and everyone will cry.”